Yesterday was a total bomb. In a nutshell, my body and spirit hit rock bottom. I didn't complete the marathon. At Mile 10, I decided to shut it down and veer off with the half marathoners.
Physically, I could've FINISHED the race. However, somewhere out there I decided that I didn't want to just finish it. I wanted to have a good time. I wanted to be strong and competitive. I realized that yesterday was not the day for that. From that aspect, yes, I did quit. It's not easy for me to say I quit. In fact, that's the first race I DNFed by choice. It's a very hard pill to swallow. All I can say is that I am so tired of being tired. I'm just plain exhausted. I've always had a lot going on in my life, but for some reason, it now all seems overwhelming. My immune system has paid the price for it, too.
From the mental aspect of it. I have a LOT going on in my head. And stuff needs to get straight before I race again.
I'm officially on "break" from running. After talking to Keith last night, I determined that i have not had more than 1 day off in a row in over 3 years. The last time I did was when I had achilles issues and was forced on the bench. Before yesterday, I was already scheming ways to cheat on my coach and run behind his back. It's true though that sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can come up. No more scheming, no more extra miles, no more too fast workouts, and most of all, I have to start taking better care of myself.
I know that the reason for the break is to let my body heal and recover, let my iron supplements take action, and my immune system get straight again. Luckily, we have our first TWO track meets this week; so that will help me keep my mind off not running. I also very much need a mental break from running. One thing I that I tell my athletes is that even if you take away running, they are still someone special and have so much to offer. The problem is that I quit believing that about myself. And I really don't know where that happened. I think it's a combination of my job and my dissatisfaction of STILL being single and without kids, knowing that boyfriend may NEVER want to marry me. (Hi, I'm Negative Nancy, nice to meet you.) I love my job, but with teaching special needs, you don't see the gains and achievements like you do with a typical classroom. Student gains and seeing those light bulbs go off really do help teachers keep going, kind of like having a professional PR. My students do add so much happiness to my life, but the sense of "teaching satisfaction" isn't where it used to be. I think those things, mixed with my weakened immune system and low iron left me feeling just BLAH. And yes, BLAH is a word.
So, in the upcoming days I have committed myself to recharging my mind and body. Then I am going to come back ready for action.
And, after hearing Bestie's talk on Friday, I learned to always reflect on a race with something positive. Unfortunately, there is nothing positive about the race that I can take away right now. I will take away this from the training cycle.
Being someone that has major trust issues, I think I finally learned to trust three main people in my life, one more significant the other two. I learned over the past two weeks to trust my coach. I didn't do that at first. I wanted to, but couldn't. I learned to trust Adrienne. She's been my bestie for awhile, but after this weekend, I can't say enough about the kind of friend she is to me. The term "friend" doesn't even really cut it. It's like having the sister I never had. Most of all, I learned to trust myself. If I did deep enough, I can find answers to what I'm looking for.
Trust and believe. That will be the mantra the next go around.