My Achilles has been bothering me. Nothing to put me totally down, but enough to send Paranoid Polly and her cousin Worrier Wendall to town. I've been running and I will be fine. SO... on to my reflections.
Coach has put me on a "no hills" running plan until the Achilles is 100%. So, running outdoors here is not an option. This actually works out well b/c my dad has recently started going back to the gym. Yesterday, we went to the gym and he got onto the elliptical machine that I could see from my TM. This was only his 3rd time back at the gym since the accident back in May. As much as it pains me to say this, my dad just isn't "right." By that, I mean mentally. It's nothing I can fully explain in one blog post, but I have come to the sad reality that he may never be the same. As I was running, I began thinking about his recovery. In so many ways it has been a miraculous one. Coming from coma, being so badly physically and mentally beaten to THIS- exercising, going back to work part-time, driving short distances, living a "normal" life. In other ways, it is sad. He's not the same person. He's quiet, confused, and just different than the dad I grew up with. As a family, we are broken, numb, yet we continue.
See, the human body/spirit is made to recover. Our pain, no matter how great is temporary. I think about my dad and his growth, and I can only hope he will continue. I think about my own emotional struggles, how far I've been, yet how far I have to go. I've know sooooo many runners to overcome remarkable things. Friends of mine that have overcome eating disorders, bone fractures, illnesses, and that's not even counting inner struggles. As a breed, runners are strong, but we have to take it all in stride. Your (or my) injury/illness may not be solved or cured on "your" time frame. Sometimes God (or whatever you believe) has different plans. Sometimes waiting and recovering are part of the process. Yeah, I am saying this b/c it's what I HAVE to believe. Without that, there is no hope.
For me, at this point, an injury is pretty much laughable. I hardly even stress over it. If I am injured? Well, that will be NOTHING compared to the life struggles I've faced this year. But, and yes, a big BUT (or BUTT maybe, haha)...
Can I whine for just a moment? Yes, it helps to type out all this positive mumbo jumbo, that I DO believe, btw, but I also have *this* side of me.
Damn, what does a girl have to do to catch a break? Why does everything have to be hard? Can't I just swim through life effortlessly for just a few months? Please? While I know my Achilles will be okay, there is that doubtful part of myself. That part that knows runners who've struggled for YEARS with this. It's that same part that wonders if the cute boy I'm dating has some skanky teacher on the side, and I'm just too stupid to notice. It's the same doubtful part that wonders if I'd been more XYZ (fill in the blank) then maybe K wouldn't have made the decisions he did in our marriage.
About those doubts. It helps me to think it though, in a rational and reasonable way. Yes, I had a cheating spouse. No, he is not the same person as the cute boy (THANK GOD). Yes, many runners have been injured severely for YEARS. No, one little Achilles pain does not mean this for me. Yes, injury happens in the sport. Yes, I can deal with it. Yes, I could've done thing differently in marriage. No, I could NOT have changed my EX or his tendencies. See how we can control our thinking to a more positive outlook? Yep, it's working for me. Well, sort of... hahaa.
And... phew... felt kind of good to get all that out.