December 22, 2010

This One's for the Injured/Sick/Down-at-Heart

My Achilles has been bothering me. Nothing to put me totally down, but enough to send Paranoid Polly and her cousin Worrier Wendall to town. I've been running and I will be fine. SO... on to my reflections.

Coach has put me on a "no hills" running plan until the Achilles is 100%. So, running outdoors here is not an option. This actually works out well b/c my dad has recently started going back to the gym. Yesterday, we went to the gym and he got onto the elliptical machine that I could see from my TM. This was only his 3rd time back at the gym since the accident back in May. As much as it pains me to say this, my dad just isn't "right." By that, I mean mentally. It's nothing I can fully explain in one blog post, but I have come to the sad reality that he may never be the same. As I was running, I began thinking about his recovery. In so many ways it has been a miraculous one. Coming from coma, being so badly physically and mentally beaten to THIS- exercising, going back to work part-time, driving short distances, living a "normal" life. In other ways, it is sad. He's not the same person. He's quiet, confused, and just different than the dad I grew up with. As a family, we are broken, numb, yet we continue.

See, the human body/spirit is made to recover. Our pain, no matter how great is temporary. I think about my dad and his growth, and I can only hope he will continue. I think about my own emotional struggles, how far I've been, yet how far I have to go. I've know sooooo many runners to overcome remarkable things. Friends of mine that have overcome eating disorders, bone fractures, illnesses, and that's not even counting inner struggles. As a breed, runners are strong, but we have to take it all in stride. Your (or my) injury/illness may not be solved or cured on "your" time frame. Sometimes God (or whatever you believe) has different plans. Sometimes waiting and recovering are part of the process. Yeah, I am saying this b/c it's what I HAVE to believe. Without that, there is no hope.

For me, at this point, an injury is pretty much laughable. I hardly even stress over it. If I am injured? Well, that will be NOTHING compared to the life struggles I've faced this year. But, and yes, a big BUT (or BUTT maybe, haha)...

Can I whine for just a moment? Yes, it helps to type out all this positive mumbo jumbo, that I DO believe, btw, but I also have *this* side of me.

Damn, what does a girl have to do to catch a break? Why does everything have to be hard? Can't I just swim through life effortlessly for just a few months? Please? While I know my Achilles will be okay, there is that doubtful part of myself. That part that knows runners who've struggled for YEARS with this. It's that same part that wonders if the cute boy I'm dating has some skanky teacher on the side, and I'm just too stupid to notice. It's the same doubtful part that wonders if I'd been more XYZ (fill in the blank) then maybe K wouldn't have made the decisions he did in our marriage.

About those doubts. It helps me to think it though, in a rational and reasonable way. Yes, I had a cheating spouse. No, he is not the same person as the cute boy (THANK GOD). Yes, many runners have been injured severely for YEARS. No, one little Achilles pain does not mean this for me. Yes, injury happens in the sport. Yes, I can deal with it. Yes, I could've done thing differently in marriage. No, I could NOT have changed my EX or his tendencies. See how we can control our thinking to a more positive outlook? Yep, it's working for me. Well, sort of... hahaa.

And... phew... felt kind of good to get all that out.

8 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) and vent away! we'll all be here to listen and commiserate. it feels great to get stuff out there. you've been through so much this year and i am so impressed, not that you've gotten through it because i never doubted you would, but because you've handled everything with grace. that's not to say you probably haven't broken down but you've gotten up each time.

    corny enough for you? :) and you got a mini me this year. good stuff :)

    i'm trying to play it safe with my achilles too. no injury yet but i've been WAY paranoid that it could turn into something. but it's so hard to avoid hills here in my neck of the woods too.

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  2. Aw, darling Rebecca, you've had a very tough year in many respects, your dad's accident being the worst of all. But he's come so much farther than expected in a relatively short timeframe, you're so lucky to have him with you, even if not quite the same.

    Poo on the achilles, but you're a Smart Sally and will get it working in no time. It's great that you have a coach to oversee your training right now and put the brakes on where needed.

    As for the ex, do you really wonder what you could have done to change things? You're too good for him, that's clear as anything, so it doesn't matter, you'd have bent your life to conform to someone who doesn't deserve the wonder that is Rebecca. As for the cute boy, I hope he doesn't have a skanky anything! Crossing fingers that all is well.

    Kisses and hugs, xxxflo

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  3. (((hugs)))
    I'm glad you vent and talk honestly on your blog about the thoughts and feelings you have.It shows what a strong person you are because you are open with your doubts and frustrations. I'm sorry that your father isn't the same and you now have this injury to nag at you. You definitely deserve a break. The pain and feelings you have for your marriage are natural and you are dealing with the situation very well.
    You are right, you could get betrayed again by someone, severely injured, or a multitude of other things in life. There will be no gaurantee that awful things won't happen. But all you can do is live your life with as much love and kindness as you can because you deserve it, you were meant to be that and no one can take that away from you ever.
    You are an amazing person and I'm here for you anytime you need someone to talk to.

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  4. Good gracious. I'm so, so sorry. You deserve some big huge hugs.

    You're not being whiny. Running can be such an important way to get through truly difficult stuff like this -- it's a mood booster for when you need the fortitude to deal, and a productive distraction for when you just need to escape.

    To have that compromised by all of the doubts and interruptions of an injury would be frustrating to no end, especially with everything that's happened. "Whining" justified.

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way that all of this turns around.

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  5. (((((Rebecca))))) - thanks for this post. I'm going through similar stuff with my dad right now, ( as well as some problems with my teenager this fall) and it's hard to keep being strong. I have been thinking about you, and how well you have handled everything you've been through this year. I hope 2011 will be great for you!

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  6. Great, honest post. I will keep all your concerns (& progress!!) in thought and prayer.

    Wishing only the best for continued healing for you and your family in 2011....and more hugs!!

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  7. It's good to let everything out once in awhile. Sending lots of hugs your way! Sometimes there are rough patches in your life that you have to get through in order to become a stronger person. When ever I have bad days, I always remember there will be better days and they'll make the bad ones seem like nothing. I hope everything turns out well for you! You're a strong woman, you can get through anything. :)

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  8. I think it's really healthy that you are reflecting on all of these things and that running affords you the opportunity to do so. In some ways, it's good to see the bigger picture and have some "perspective" but in other ways, you have to let yourself just feel down and be okay with that. Good blog!

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