September 13, 2010

What NOT to Do (Lessons of a 15 Year Runner)

So... let's back up to last weekend- Mullet Toss 5K on Labor Day. The new training partner and I decided on this race sort of last minute. I had done 22 the previous Saturday, and he had done 19, so we didn't exactly have fresh legs. And here is where my newbie mistakes shine on.

Monday morning I realized I had no food. I mean, eating for one is almost too easy, but can also get me in trouble w/ the absence of a regular grocery visit. I didn't even have bread for my usual PB and banana sandwich. I decided on some cereal w/ milk. Yeah, what the heck was I thinking? On the way over, I kept thinking, hmmm, my tummy doesn't feel right. We get there and learn that part of the course (1 mile) is on a dirt trail. Ugh, I hate dirty shoes. The course is also hilly.

So, we're off and already my stomach is doing some threatening rumbling and sloshing. At this point, I knew it was not going to be a good day. I had picked out my pacer ahead of time, an upper 18s guy, to follow. I stayed with him until the dirty trail and at this point, I was in pain, mixed with the constant throw up in my throat. Nice.

I hit the trail and was first female, so I decided to slow down a LOT. When faced w/ a slow race and an embarassing situation (throwing up on myself), I will choose a slow time. I death marched the next 2 miles. At 2.8ish, I had to stop, literally STOP during the race. Yep, only a 5K. I gagged and swallowed (Isn't that awesome?) and wondered why in the world I would think milk was okay on a HOT, sunny, racing morning.

Finish time 19:33, first female overall.

And, after the race, I did go behind the building and puke my absolute guts out. I thought I was pretty much private, but silly newpaper reporter followed me back there and stood there while I was heaving into the bushes. After that, she didn't even ask if I was okay, just went straight into her questions. LOL.
After the big vomit, I felt MUCH better. I felt so good, that I jogged the course for a cool down.

The best part of the day was afterwards. They had a festival going on and I THREW A FISH! Yep, 65 feet. Then went to a pool party for the Lower Alabama Runners. Aside from the race, it was an awesome day.

In regards to Wineglass. I am having some issues. I am really glad I spilled the beans about the big divorce b/c now I feel like I can talk about it a little bit, without beating around the bush. Back when K and I first had problems (a curvacious red-headed problem), I went through a vicious cycle of doing my easy runs too hard and using running as my emotional punching bag, so to speak. I completely botched my spring marathon that year, and at that point, felt like I had hit rock bottom. See, there are still times now that I do that EXACT same thing. It's like I know I am doing it, I can see myself killing it on the easy runs or not getting my head in the game or becomming too emotional, but I can't stop it. Someone once told me that getting divorced is worse than losing a spouse to death, and at the time I didn't believe that. I wouldn't say it is true now, but I do think it is likely equally as bad. While I could really go "Tiger Wood's Wife" on him, there is a feeling of tremendous loss there. I think as time goes on, the loss becomes bigger and the anger becomes smaller.

The main reason we divorced also plays a huge impact on my self-esteem. I have always struggled w/ low self-esteem, so I can't totally blame his decision making, but his choices definitely haven't helped the situation. I still wake up every day and ask myself, "Why them and not me?" Why was I not good enough? What about me made him so unhappy that he had to go find happiness with someone else? I spent 9 years with someone as my #1 person, only to find out not only was I not able to make him happy, but to not even be worthy of simple honor and respect in the relationship.

And there it is, the reason I sometimes kill my easy runs, the reason I sometimes can't focus on key workouts. The reason I feel doubts about Sub 3 at Wineglass.

Okay, I totally didn't mean to get all Debby Downer there, b/c honestly I am really, really making progress and moving on! Seriously! I am fine, getting happy again, and chugging along. Here are some pictures from the Mullet Toss to prove it!



8 comments:

  1. newbie mistakes and you still pull off first place and a sub-20?! it's a good thing i'm mini-you because i'd be saying GIVE ME YOUR SPEED otherwise (and i still am deep down. hope i can channel it! :) )

    and keep your head up. you are such a strong person! i am in your corner 100% so go out there and get that sub-3!!

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  2. I'm sure it wasn't fun for you, but I had to laugh about the newspaper reporter practically interviewing you while you were puking your guts out. I wonder if they'll put that part in the article...

    +1 to MM, you have a sub-3 in you and it just needs the chance to come out. Sending you big (((((hugs))))) as you deal with all the tough life stuff.

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  3. You just have to believe and know that your ex's cheating is not at all a reflection on you - it a reflection of his own issues and his own weaknesses! It's time for you to keep that self-esteem up! You have so much to offer - not the least of which is being a fast as sh** runner! I don't think you realize how impressive that is. Start loving yourself the way you know you deserve to be loved ... and soon others will follow suit!

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  4. Such great photos! OMG, I will box your ears when I see you (less than 7 days now!!) for thinking an asshole who screws around is someone you want to hold onto. You know it, too. He's the weak one, not you. Silly girl.

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  5. I don't remember if I've commented before, but I'm a longtime reader and just wanted to say that I'm so happy to see you facing things head on. Yes, divorce is awful, but by mentioning it on your blog, you're proving that it's just another part of your life, and that you're stronger than it. It's not going to beat you, and it's not going to steal your sub-3.
    Great job in the race (ugh, milk!), and the fish throwing pics were awesome!

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  6. I really admire your honesty. I am so sorry to hear about the divorce and the way your husband treated you. The questions you ask about why you weren't able to make him happy. . . I think those are the wrong questions to ask. He's a scumbag for dishonoring you in that way. Plain and simple, he sucks. And you are extremely kick-ass. Congrats on the race.

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  7. His decisions to do the things he did with the "problem" are ENTIRELY on him-it shows exactly who HE is as a person, NOT the awesome lady you are.

    On the milk...yeah, second I heard "milk" I thought "that's not going to end well." And you still won? Dang, woman. See, I told you. Awesome. Love the race name as well.

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  8. I just wanted to say that even though I rarely comment, I am still here reading, and I take you as a...I don't know, role model of mine in a way. For a "mother" figure...even though your way too young for that! and were probably close in age ;)...so bigger sister...or angel of some sort.

    What you have went through and your insights - and the fact that you are just HUMAN is very real to me.

    A pillar of strength. I used to run. I don't now. I wonder if I ever will.

    ...But you let me remember what it was...and it could be...

    Peace.

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