October 5, 2009
This One's for the Girls
The Girls 1998
The Girls 2001
The Girls 2004
The Girls 2009
When people talk about love at first sight, I can totally relate. Twelve looonng years ago, Jenn, Joy, and I were placed together by fate. On Day One of college, we became inseparable. It was a friendship that all girls dream of having. Secrets, jokes, fun times, sad times, arguments, and late talks surrounded parties, studying, nighttime munchies, and shopping. We quickly became the best of friends. Through the ups and downs of the past 12 years, the friendship remained solid.
Okay, that last sentence was a major understatement. These girls are the sisters I never had. No matter the distance, the time past, the events of our lives, the closeness remains. No one knows me like they do. It's a friendship so strong that words cannot even do it justice.
You're probably wondering why in the world I am talking about this. Well, this past weekend, Jenn and I drove from Birmingham to Nashville to surprise Joy for her big 3-0 birthday. It was this fabulous visit that led to, what I call, the Birmingham Blues. Any time I visit my old pals, I get so sad. I realize how blessed I am to have this friendship. I know many gals that will never experience the friendship I have experienced; many cannot even imagine friendship so close. What's sad is the distance. Oh, the distance. It is the reason that I am a Birmingham Gal at heart. What's even sadder is that we've lived here for almost 5 years, yet Birmingham STILL feels like home. I can not tell you how many tears have been shed on I-65 during that 3 hour trip. It all boils down to the friendship, and how I'm really missing out. I have lots of good friends here, all of them are very nice and lots of fun. It's just not the same. My Girls' shoes aren't filled. This sadness carried into my Monday, looming like a black cloud.
I haven't even been able to get excited about the marathon. I know, I need psychiatry. Actually, I've been to counseling, and it didn't really do a darn thing. The marathon and missing the girls are two funky feelings combined into one big downer. For some reason, I am already feeling defeated by the marathon and I haven't even run the race yet! Why do I feel this way? I have dissected my feelings into a few main reasons:
1. I have no race time to support a Sub 3.
2. I am tired.
3. I want to cry. (Okay, part of this might be hormones. Let's hope so, at least.)
4. I don't feel PR ready.
Jenn, the wisest of all the people I know, actually knows me better than I know myself. Talking to her is like talking to myself, only she's WAAAAYYY smarter. She's one of very few I will take serious advice from. I can also count on her to tell me the truth, even if it is painful. These conversations are always in my best interest, this goes without saying. Jenn said something to me in the car that has really stuck in my head. (She said lots of smart things, but one REALLY stood out.) It wasn't even about running, but it definitely applies here. She asked me, "B, who are you afraid of disappointing, other people or yourself?" I would like to think other people. Who am I fooling, though? No one really cares. I am my worst judge.
I am afraid of disappointing myself. I'm so afraid, that I am almost afraid to try. I'm scared of failure. With all that being said, and all these crazy emotions flying, I still haven't nailed down a goal pace. I honestly don't know if I will, or even can. So much of this training already feels in vain. In fact, this whole year feels that way. It's like a battle that can't be won.