February 17, 2015
Dear Passion, Where are YOU?
I'm sleep deprived; so please excuse any over-emotional ramblings. This post will likely be a cross between vent and search for advice. I don't have many commenters lately, but I'd love some feedback on this one.
I think I hate teaching.
This is my 14th year as an elementary teacher, and 4th year teaching inclusion. For those of you that aren't familiar, inclusion is the mixing of students with special needs in the general education classroom. Towards the end of last year, I had a lot of feelings of restlessness. I even toyed with applying for a reading coach position (which I have experience in), but decided with the baby, that would be too much change. Besides, being on an 10 week maternity leave doesn't exactly scream "hire me."
I knew going back to work would be rough, but I guess I underestimated it. All day, every day, all I can think about is getting out of there. Y'all, I feel like I'm in prison. I'm so ashamed to say that. I have truly loved teaching for 13 years. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, I've been passionate about my job. I've loved those kids with everything I had and taught to my absolute best ability. But not this year. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel preoccupied. I feel like I'm not doing anything really except running around like a chicken with my head cut off.
And part of it is the special ed situation. I'm probably going straight to hell for saying this, but y'all, I just can't and don't want to deal with it anymore. The teacher that is supposed to come work with me is terrible. She either doesn't show up or sits on her butt. So basically I have no support. And truth time, so much attention is taken away from the "average" child. I feel like I'm just failing in all areas. I'm stretched too thin. The regular classroom is NOT the best place for all children, and while I'm on my way to the fiery place, WHY DO THEIR NEEDS COME FIRST? Doesn't Average Johnny at the back table deserve just as much of my attention as the special needs child? Does he deserve to be challenged and nurtured by his teacher just like all the other kids? I hate to tell everyone this, but with ONE teacher and another WARM ADULT BODY all the kids' needs are not being met.
And every night I take this information home with me. The information that i have failed. Yet again. And that is how I've developed hate for my job. So every day I spend wishing for 3, so I can hurry off to coaching and then go home to my baby. Every night I spend remembered all the ways I failed, dreading for the morning to come and praying for the weekend to hurry.
And running. Frankly, I'm not too fired up about running these days, either. It's dull. The workouts. The treadmill. The dark track. Nothing really excites me. I really just run for Boston, and not wanting to embarrass myself there, wanting to run a decent time, trying to show the world that there IS running life after baby.
But really, who cares? I used to be so obsessed with the mileage, the grind, the training. And now, I can barely tell you what I ran yesterday. Most days I follow my coach's plan. Some days I do more, some days I do less. Sometimes I scramble the schedule to fit my needs. But yeah, same workouts, different variation. Week after blasted week. I've got a goal half marathon this weekend, and I really couldn't give two craps about it except that a lot of girls I know will be running and I really don't want to look like a complete bum.
Track practice kicked off this week, and it was a tumultuous start. The new other head coach couldn't come… all week. It was me and the ENTIRE TEAM all week. The chaos of it all nearly made me lose my mind. However, I do think it set the stage for who might be The Boss from here on out. LOL. And I will say that track is one of the few things I get excited about every day, but I'm still not as obsessed as I have been in previous years.
Stay at Home Moms, I hate you. I want to be you. I feel like I am missing so much of Savannah's life by working. I just miss her so much each day. It's all I can think about.
And that is what motherhood is- a love beyond measure that trumps all other feelings.
Advice from other working moms is truly welcomed. Advice from other teachers is truly welcomed.