Over the half way point, and I'm feeling MEH. And yes, MEH is a word. Physically, I feel okay, but very emotional lately (more on that below), and embarrassingly, I'm struggling with some body image stuff. It's not something I like to admit, as I feel as if I've had a healthy perspective on weight and body image my entire life. And I've wanted to be pregnant for TEN years; so I'm not sure why these feelings are cropping up. Yes, I am so, so grateful to have this miracle of life. I am already in love with her, her little kicks, and everything about my baby. It's just... I look hideous. Yep, there I said it, what I've been thinking for the past few days. I can't really explain WHY I feel that way or WHAT is making me feel that way. It's not the baby bump. I actually love the baby bump. I love the kicking, I love the tightness and size of it. It seems perfect in every way. I think it's the fact that I can't keep up with Sam anymore. I know she's slowing down for me. And my thighs are bigger and my boobs are huge with stretch marks. I look tired and feel extremely unattractive. Maternity clothes are still too big, and I can't fit into my old clothes. Leaving me in a ridiculous place in the world of fashion (or lack thereof). Not to mention people are their freaking comments. OH MY HEAVENS, PEOPLE, just keep your opinions to yourself! A girl actually called me "tubbo." No really, she said that, to my face and then laughed. Granted, I know she was kidding, but still. I mean, REALLY. A coworker asked me why I was wearing maternity clothes and proceeded to tell me that I looked like a bag lady. Yes, my outfit was too big, but I'm a school teacher and have been buying maternity clothes off ebay! Cut me some freaking slack! Then there are the people with ZERO tact that feel it's their business to ask PERSONAL questions like how I plan to deliver or if I'm going to breastfeed!?! I'm sorry, but are you my doctor? And then my sister-in-law that gave me a 30 minute lecture about how I was hurting my baby by running. Ahhhhhhh!
We finished our season this past weekend. 13 kids advanced to Sectionals from County this year. That's one step farther than we made it last year, and I'm very proud of that. I've been kind of impatient about my team's progress, but now that the season is over and I can spend some time reflecting, I see how far we've come. Each year we get faster, and I'm liking the strength I'm seeing going into cross country season. With that being said, I'm not proud of how I handled some things w/ Coach C. I blogged a little bit about it before, but here is a side story of what happened at our County Meet this year. I'll put it in italics for those you that want to skim past it.
Every meet, Coach C took it upon himself to register my distance kids for events. It annoyed me, but not wanting to make more waves, I never said anything. However, I would go behind him (in the computer system) and edit, delete, etc the events. The entire season, he never noticed... until the County Meet. He asked me during the 1600 why a specific kid wasn't running. I explained to him that that athlete had been registered for too many events, and we were going for PRs that meet as to attempt to qualify for Sectionals. (Our Sectional Meets have minimum times that must be met.) He would barely let me finish explaining myself before he went off on me, saying that if we didn't score many points, it was my fault for taking kids out of events. I tried to explain to him that the goal was to qualify for Sectionals, not necessarily win the meet. I wanted to give my athletes the best possible chance of going to State (and Sectionals come before State). He continued to say "how dare I" go behind him and rearrange athletes. At this point, I didn't hold my tongue any longer. I told him that I was HEAD COACH just like him, and *I* coached the distance runners. And as he was storming off, mumbling about me "not knowing what I was doing", I retorted, "Well, how many athletes have YOU taken to State competition, Coach?" Yeah, that was a little over the line, especially with kids and parents everywhere. So... he went to the far corner of the track and refused to coach or speak to anyone the entire rest of the meet. The kids kept asking me where he was and what was wrong with him. It was highly embarrassing, and I know distracting from their performances. The rest of that week, he didn't show up for practice. I coached BOTH groups on my own Wed-Fri. Then Spring Break week, he didn't even practice his sprinters. And there you go.
I feel like we went into Sectionals very well prepared. Their final workouts went well, and everyone seemed good to go. Unfortunately, the track hit 85* that day, definitely not PR weather. The athletes fought hard, but none made the cut to get to State. One of my girls placed in the top 6, which normally would go to State, but she didn't meet the State minimum time. We were on the cusp, anyway, and just couldn't make the cut in those temps. I go back and forth with what I want for next year. I love my distance kids so much, and I know they need stability season to season to be successful, but I just don't know if I can handle another season w/ Coach C. I've thought about telling the AD that as long as Coach C was the coach, I was done. I go back and forth with how I feel; so for now, I'm just going to wait it out and pray that he gets fired.
I'm still doing my 50ish miles a week. I feel like I've gotten slow, and the weather is definitely warming up. I bought a maternity swim top this past weekend, and I plan to incorporate some pool running when school gets out in a few weeks. I'm still doing the prenatal pilates, but missing my speed workouts and long runs tremendously. In general, I'm just READY to have a BABY! And I have so long to go...
I had also been on the fence about coaching my summer youth team, WINGS, this year. Holy mess, it's going to be so hot, and I'm going to be so big. However, they promised me a smaller team and better money. With the looming daycare costs in my face, how could I resist? The only saving grace is that the meets start earlier and end earlier this year, meaning nothing past mid July. I really do love coaching the younger ones, but I also realize how hard it will be to be outside coaching when I'm hugely pregnant.
Another issue that I'm sure is effecting my emotions is my grandmother. She has had Alzheimer's for the past year and is going downhill rapidly. I'm at a crossroads on what to do. My doctor doesn't want me traveling that far once I'm into my 3rd trimester. I know a lot of women DO travel in their 3rd trimester, and that's GREAT for them, but I am choosing to follow my doctor's wishes. That means that I only have a few more weeks to travel up there. And those few weeks are SWAMPED with school things. If not, I risk not getting to say goodbye. It's my dad's mom, and my mom is telling me not to come. She says that Gigi won't know I'm there anyway, and I need to save my money and my energy. What if she passes away when I absolutely CANT come? How will I live with myself?
And that's my update for now. Apologies that this post is not more positive. I know I have SO many things to be thankful for. God has blessed me with more than I deserve. I'm hoping this is just a period of bad pregnancy hormones, and it will pass.
Run Happy, friends!