December 2, 2013

Taper is Stupid

Taper is stupid. Taper sucks. I hate taper. I am mad at the world.

And yes, I realize that I have a serious addiction problem. I am addicted to running. Yep, true. Symptoms include:

*Sneaking runs/mileage (Before anyone, *cough cough* coach, goes nuts, I've cheated on very few runs this training cycle. However, I've WANTED to cheat a lot more than that.)
*Lying to friends/family about runs/mileage
*Wanting to bust out running at inappropriate times.
*Physical symptoms of withdrawal when mileage is reduced

And you know what's worse than just tapering? Tapering AND PMS. Yes, people, my husband is probably in spousal hell. Insane reasons I've nearly lost my mind during this taper:

*My special ed children are not understanding adding mixed numbers. Summary of this story, is me holding up two fingers and SHOUTING, "What is ONE PLUS ONE???" Not one of my finer teaching moments.

*I was in a small group meeting and said something REALLY ugly about my boss. See, our boss is not well liked, but I try very, very, very hard to never say mean things about people in groups. Well, something VERY bad slipped. Like, I said she had a camel toe. I know, I'm going straight to hell. What added to the horridness of it is that my coworkers had a look of utter shock on their faces, which I followed up with a cackling hyena laugh. Thank goodness they all busted out laughing after that, and one girl told me that that was the only mean thing she'd heard me say in the 3 years I've been working there. Oops.

*I looked at the weather forecast today and got that "I'm gonna cry" lump in my throat. Yes, weather. forecast.

*Last night I had a glass half a bottle of wine and 3 cookies for dinner. No, not WITH my dinner. That was dinner. Nutrition fail. Why? Oh, I was depressed.

It really does help that my bestie is a sports psychologist. However, I'm pretty sure I'm a lost cause. See, I'm actually a fairly smart person. I know exactly why the taper is necessary. I know all the science behind it, what happens to your muscles and your body, etc. And I know the proper taper percentages, how to arrange a pre-race training week, and all that good stuff. How can something so RIGHT feel so WRONG????????

And this afternoon, because I wanted to really seal the deal on Crazy 101, I pulled out the old training log. I don't revisit it often. It's an old Running Ahead account that I don't use anymore. As I'm logging in, a ray of light literally streams from my computer screen, like a mecca of greatness. Sometimes to torture myself, I look at my training and racing log from when I was fast. All along, I've had in my head that I *need* the mileage to be successful, because that's what I did when I was fast. And this afternoon, I wanted to see what exactly I did the week before my PR marathon race.

Holy shockaroo. I had to refresh the screen to become a believer. Those killer hundred mile weeks I used to do? Um, they weren't before my marathon PR. My world is rocked. I don't know what to make of this!?! Those killer weeks actually came before the Pensacola Marathon Meltdown where I ended up passed out on the side of the road and then hospitalized. The weeks before my marathon PR? Um... a peak at 80 miles after two weeks of total crap running thanks to the pit bull attack.

But, but, but... I'm speechless.


  1. Hm, maybe this is your secret! Lower milage! Now, I'm a definitely LOW milage person. I never hit 70 MPW ever, and when marathon training I do 45 most weeks. When I'm not, it might be lower - even in the 20's. Of course, I'm not as fast as you are, so take it with a grain of salt. But lower milage certainly didn't slow me down.

  2. Anonymous12/02/2013

    ♥ ♥ ♥

    As I'm in the throes of taper madness myself, I totally agree with you! Taper SUCKS!

    I sympathize on your stupid forecast - I hope it gets better.

    I don't know how much you can compare things across races. There are so many variables! I ran lower mileage for my then-PR at St. George than I had earlier...but I ran higher mileage at Houston and got a new PR.

    Good luck, girlie!

  3. Am I alond to play Coach?

    100 mile weeks are big, that is for us guys who work... The pro's have the day to recover, so can keep putting in the training. That is the one point...

    Next point: we all hate the taper, and now i never taper more than 1 week, but I do throw in a rest week about 5 weeks out! So if I plan a fast marathon I will train hard for 4 weeks, then have a week off, then train hard for 4 weeks and 1 week taper... If I plan 6-8 weeks hard without a break I would need 2 weeks taper and I would go mad!!!

    So Did it work, Did it work?

  4. Ummmm....

    I am wondering what the 'inappropriate times' are!

    Baby steps, my dear!

  5. :D

    This is a little confession. I have in the past peeked in on your RA account..and had total envy. And then remember also the Pensacola meltdown, but never put it together.
    Trust your taper, sweetie! You will be fantastic on race day!!
    And - FWIW- your school meetings sound much more fun than mine ever were!


    I fall into this same trap...and then I looked at my running log and realized I maxed out at 39mpw before my full marathon PR. WTF, right??

    Anyways...when is your race?! Thinking good thoughts for you! You will crush it!

  7. That is some crazy taper madness ;). Hang in there, enjoy the extra time, really enjoy the wine and cookies for dinner. <- I've been known to have that dinner as well :). Trust your body, you got this!