December 20, 2013
How the Grinch Stole My Christmas
I've struggled w/ Christmas since 2008. The day before Christmas break 2008 was when I found out my ex was sleeping with my best friend. Obviously, I am 100% over him, but it was the mark of my loss of innocence. As I've blogged about before, I used to always wear rose-colored glasses, and lived in a place where evil never occurred, especially in my small flawless marriage. To be blind-sided the way I was, was completely life changing. I used to be that elementary teacher that went all out- dorky holiday shirts, projects, candy, everything. My own home was decorated to a "T" and I loved all Christmas traditions. It was such a feel-good season, celebrating my own Christian beliefs. Since that Christmas, I just can't seem to get excited about Christmas. In fact, some years it feels like gloom and doom, like I'm waiting for the hatchet to fall on my life. Stupid, right? Truth is, I miss the old me. I miss the dorky Christmas shirts and socks, the way I would get so excited about decorating the house, and the traditions I insisted be kept.
Why am I feeling this way? I rewind to that day, or really that month. I was SO absorbed in my class and in Christmas, doing all the "holiday things" that I didn't even notice what was happening in my life. In fact, the exact MOMENT I found out, I was busy packing sacks of uniforms for my students for Christmas gifts. What was I wearing? My best Santa tee shirt, Santa earrings, socks, and jeans about 2 sizes too big with grandma panties. Oh yes, exactly what every man wants. The other girl? She was the glamorous girl, the sexy girl, the girl at the cocktail parties looking perfect with big breasts and flawless make up and hair. I was the one with hair frazzled, food on my clothes, trying to stuff Santa in my car.
Since 2008, I have had a reminder in my head to not get TOO dorky. To be an adult, to keep myself together, to keep some sort of sex appeal, even if small. And these ideas in my head are no way reflection of my new hubby. In fact, he LOVES the dorky. He decorated our whole porch with a ceiling of Christmas lights, all different colors. He helped me think of ideas for "Chippey" our class Elf on the Shelf, BUT truth be told, I am ALWAYS wearing decent underwear. And the memories are still burned into my heart, a slight reminder that life can get sticky at any point and that scars remain.
And this year, another "thing" happened, the day before our Christmas break. I can't share too much because the school system is pressing charges against this person, but one of my student's parents did something COMPLETELY inappropriate and illegal ON OUR FIELD TRIP. So, I have been dealing with that for the past two days. Heart wrenching, exhausting stuff.
I just want my rose colored glasses back. I WANT that world where unicorns roam under rainbows.
We're leaving tonight to drive to Kentucky, something I should be ecstatic about. Why am I feeling dread? Yes, dread. I didn't even realize how much I was dreading it until Keith asked me why I didn't want to go (without me even telling him). He could tell by my facial expressions that I was less than excited. Honestly, mom and I have been having trouble lately. She's become so obsessed with perfect. And my heart hurts for her because I know she is working SO hard to keep normalcy in tact. I think she's facing her own inner battles, realizing that my dad is as well as he's going to get. And while he is 100% "well and self-functioning" there are definite personality changes. I can't imagine how she must feel, living with someone so different that they used to be. My new dad spends lots of time keeping to himself. He doesn't enjoy the things he used to enjoy. We actually went through a period where we tried to get him to ride his new bike, but have kind of given up on that idea. He rides a little bit, very slowly, but doesn't really seem to enjoy. Mom has tried to get him to do different things, but unfortunately, he usually just wants to stay home. I think it's because it's hard from him. I know he struggles a lot with mental tasks that are easy for others.
I took two days off after the 50K. I really only wanted one day, but felt pretty sore still. I actually listened to my coach and trusted my body. It paid off because that next weekend (last weekend), I was able to run back to back 19 milers, the 2nd 19 miler at 7:35 pace. AND, I did two workouts this week. I have no become a little sidelined after coming down with some sort of bad cold/respiratory thingie. Fortunately, I will still have a near 90 mile week, even with a cutback day (today). I'm running a trail marathon tomorrow morning as a training run. The goals are to work on my nutrition and footing.
I'm trying to wrap my head about 50 miles, thinking more and more about the race, mentally preparing.
Merry Christmas, friends! May you enjoy a peace and happiness with your families.