My list of personality flaws and faults is long, but the fault I place at the very top, the one thing I have been working for years to remove is jealousy. Jealous is a nasty, yucky, spirit sucker. I go through phases with my jealousy. Back when I was in counseling, I was given the task of naming something I was thankful for every time a jealous thought popped up. I've tried to use that throughout the years. It's always a good reminder to know that while I may not have ________ that ______ has, I have other equally as great things going for me.
Unfortunately for me (and probably others), jealousy can quickly become a sliding board to a pit of darkness. Let me tell you about my crazy thought processes over the past week.
First off, last Thursday would've been my 10 year wedding anniversary. As any normal person that has had their heart broken, I had a lot of different emotions. And then in true self-destructive Rebecca fashion, I did all the wrong things. The self-destruction kind of looked like this, followed by my sweet little ah-hah moments.
*Look up the ex on FB. (If anyone knows him, please tell him to put his pics on private! ICK.) From this I got to obsess for a good hour about his new girlfriend, her perfectly large breasts and flawless skin. Nice to meet you, self torture!
THEN I noticed him- ugly as ever. Spare tire. And he was boozing in the pictures. Of course he was. That's what he's good at. Then I looked at my sweet boyfriend. Aww, he loves fishing and running and ME! Crisis adverted.
*Open the dreaded heart shaped box holding the old diamonds. Deep breath- yep, still in there. Crap, that's a lot of jewelry.
BUT HMMMM, the diamonds really aren't that pretty anymore. Yeah, they're biggish and still fit. (Um, I may or may not have tried them on.) Conclusion- diamonds with no meaning are not pretty. Nope, in fact, they are UGLY! Must. pawn. soon.
*Next comes the self-pity section. Wahhhh, what happened to my life? Why am I so old and not married? Where are my babies?
And if you hung in there this long, I will now transition into the Running Compare Game. I know, FINALLY, something about RUNNING! Raise your hand if you compare yourself to other runners!
The worst running jealousy is over someone you have never really met. Maybe it's that person on FB that always has rocking awesome training including perfect interval splits, fast long runs, and dynamite tempos. And those things... are done faster than you. Or maybe it's that runner that you KNOW runs less than you, but has those rocking awesome abs or cut leg muscles.
I don't struggle TOO much with jealously with my real-life running friends. Hard work is very important to me, and so are those friendships. I know they work hard, and I respect those relationships so much that I fight away those green feelings like the plague. However, there are one or two runners (my own boyfriend is at the top of this list) that are quite fast, yet they don't do 1/3 of the work I do. THAT is frustrating.
You know what's cool, though? In my small running group, we do a remarkable job of boosting each other up. Yes, there are those times when we have friendly competition, like Sam beats me and I beat her, but that is rarely important. It's those days on the track when we're busting out intervals and spurting out a "good job" to each other. It's those long runs with friends where we push each other those last few miles. The races where some of us run and the rest of us go and support. THAT is the way to beat jealously.
When playing the Compare Game, here are the reasons I will *always* win.
I have so many awesome people to run with. These people support me and care about me, whether I suck or rock. They are there, and I am there for them.
I'm not going to win any beauty contests, but I rose above my ex. And I don't miss him. I miss marriage, but *fingers crossed* that's in my future. My inner beauty outweighs his.
I will never be the fastest, but I'll never be the slowest. I will always do my best. Always working hard and doing your best is PRIDE. I take pride in what I'm doing- running, coaching, and teaching.
Run Happy, friends!