The reason I hate tapering is because it gives you time to think. Too much time. I mean, who really wants to be that up close and personal with all their dark thoughts? Not me. I believe that I physically am addicted to endorphins. It sounds kind of kooky, but taper literally makes me depressed.
Oh, and I became a mom this week. And no, I'm not pregnant. One of my XC runners is an exchange student. Last week, her host family terminated the relationship unannounced. The director of the exchange program was scrambling to find her a new home. And that's how I got custody of a teenage girl. She's been with me since Tuesday, and will leave to her permanant host family on Monday. We've had a ton of fun together. This was homecoming week; so I took her to get a dress, helped her with an economics paper, and tried to paint her nails. We also worked the middle school XC meet on Tuesday. That was a nightmare, as somehow I ended up scoring the entire meet. How do you plan to put on a XC meet when you don't even know how to score the thing? Hello! Last night, I dropped her off at the football game, and then picked her up late last night at the fair. This morning we had a meet, and now she's napping before the dance this evening. To add to the "mommy chaos", TP's brother is completely irresponsible, and yesterday his daughter spent the night with me. I took her to the fair, too. Yesterday was "skate day" at school. Every grade goes to the skating rink for 2 hours. Can I tell you how much fun it is to take special needs kids skating? To hear them scream and squeal with delight? It's priceless. It isn't all cotton candy and unicorns in Room 325, though. My student with autism and tourrettes had a few "fits" this week, once resulting in his repeated use of the "f" word. He also spit on me while kicking his desk. Then he climbed up on my small table before the special ed teacher came and removed him. Wowzers, what a week.
All of these events, mixed with less running means me having more to think about. Do you ever ask yourself, "What is all this FOR, anyway?" I obviously love running, but is chasing PRs and numbers really making me happy? Not as much anymore. Do I do all of these activities and try to take care of everything as a way to mask my feelings? If so, exactly WHAT am I masking? For some reason the answer is coming to me today. I don't know if it's a mix of having too much time on my hands, plus hormones, plus a week filled with "kids", but...
I am ready to cut the crap. Meaning, I'm sick of being single. I want a family, some babies, the whole package. And I'm sick of waiting. Yes, I have a super sweet, great boyfriend, but where is it all going? Am I satisfied being with someone that "just" loves me, but isn't ready for more? Is it worth sacrificing my own desires for "true love", and is it true love when someone won't give you want you want? I'm getting older, darn it! Big stuff in my brain.
And the marathon is coming on quickly, 8 days from today. I should be excited. I've put in the miles, and on paper my training looks fantastic. It is kind of hard to remember that I actually DID all that training. After all this, it kind of feels unimportant now, and I'm tired, very tired. I'm just following the plan and hoping for some race day magic. I *need* those endorphins to get me out of my funk.
I've heard of post-marathon depression, but not pre-marathon...