September 29, 2012

When Taper Strips You Raw

The reason I hate tapering is because it gives you time to think. Too much time. I mean, who really wants to be that up close and personal with all their dark thoughts? Not me. I believe that I physically am addicted to endorphins. It sounds kind of kooky, but taper literally makes me depressed.

Oh, and I became a mom this week. And no, I'm not pregnant. One of my XC runners is an exchange student. Last week, her host family terminated the relationship unannounced. The director of the exchange program was scrambling to find her a new home. And that's how I got custody of a teenage girl. She's been with me since Tuesday, and will leave to her permanant host family on Monday. We've had a ton of fun together. This was homecoming week; so I took her to get a dress, helped her with an economics paper, and tried to paint her nails. We also worked the middle school XC meet on Tuesday. That was a nightmare, as somehow I ended up scoring the entire meet. How do you plan to put on a XC meet when you don't even know how to score the thing? Hello! Last night, I dropped her off at the football game, and then picked her up late last night at the fair. This morning we had a meet, and now she's napping before the dance this evening. To add to the "mommy chaos", TP's brother is completely irresponsible, and yesterday his daughter spent the night with me. I took her to the fair, too. Yesterday was "skate day" at school. Every grade goes to the skating rink for 2 hours. Can I tell you how much fun it is to take special needs kids skating? To hear them scream and squeal with delight? It's priceless. It isn't all cotton candy and unicorns in Room 325, though. My student with autism and tourrettes had a few "fits" this week, once resulting in his repeated use of the "f" word. He also spit on me while kicking his desk. Then he climbed up on my small table before the special ed teacher came and removed him. Wowzers, what a week.

All of these events, mixed with less running means me having more to think about. Do you ever ask yourself, "What is all this FOR, anyway?" I obviously love running, but is chasing PRs and numbers really making me happy? Not as much anymore. Do I do all of these activities and try to take care of everything as a way to mask my feelings? If so, exactly WHAT am I masking? For some reason the answer is coming to me today. I don't know if it's a mix of having too much time on my hands, plus hormones, plus a week filled with "kids", but...

I am ready to cut the crap. Meaning, I'm sick of being single. I want a family, some babies, the whole package. And I'm sick of waiting. Yes, I have a super sweet, great boyfriend, but where is it all going? Am I satisfied being with someone that "just" loves me, but isn't ready for more? Is it worth sacrificing my own desires for "true love", and is it true love when someone won't give you want you want? I'm getting older, darn it! Big stuff in my brain.

 And the marathon is coming on quickly, 8 days from today. I should be excited. I've put in the miles, and on paper my training looks fantastic. It is kind of hard to remember that I actually DID all that training. After all this, it kind of feels unimportant now, and I'm tired, very tired. I'm just following the plan and hoping for some race day magic. I *need* those endorphins to get me out of my funk.

I've heard of post-marathon depression, but not pre-marathon...

HELP!

11 comments:

  1. Aw, hugs to you, sweetie. Stop (over)thinking, relax, have a drink, and ROCK YOUR MARATHON.

    (and, true love requires a lot of negotiation! It's not just magically getting everything you want!)

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  2. You deserve all the love and family that you wish for. I would say that running is two-fold, it's litterally running away from things and running towards others. I look at running as a way to strip away the layers and try to be better inside and out. Hugs to you!!!! Don't let taper madness get you too much! It's like when your body gets a break, you mind can sometimes want to add a new stress.

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  3. I can see how the taper could mess with your head, or rather give you more headspace for things you wouldn't otherwise think about. I think it's good to look at the big picture of your life, but not be pressured into thinking you have to make major changes. You are still adjusting to your new home, new school, and now being a "mom". It's a lot of change, things are moving fast for you. I hope you can find ways of calming your mind and relaxing!

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  4. Anonymous9/30/2012

    I love how honest and real you always are, Rebecca! Thank you!! And I hope you do become a mom someday b.c you will be a phenomenal one!!

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  5. Hugs my friend!!! Raw is a good word - running marathons makes you vulnerable emotionally and physically in such a crazy way. You will be an incredible mom some day, and any guy not smart enough to want to marry you doesn't deserve you. :)

    You are so, so, SO ready for the marathon. Your training has been incredible and you are super fit. Relax and let it happen. Hugs!

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  6. I also race soon and the training is coming to an end, and now I start to worry I haven't done enough... My race isn't a simple marathon or I would be aiming at a time and I know what would happen!!! but I have 42km of trail and should be out there for 4.5 - 5 hours!!!

    So enjoy the rest of the taper, I will be, it's the nerves of having to race and please sponsors...

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  7. I loved this post! You are so completely honest and real.

    I wonder what I'm chasing after sometimes as well. I love running, but why do I have to chase marathon times? Why can't I be satisfied with the 5K through HM distances, where I'm clearly more talented. I don't know...

    As far as "true love" goes, if you're not getting what you want(if it were me) I'd move on. Someone can be the sweetest person and maybe you make a great couple, but if what you both want in the long run is different...well I think there's someone even better out there then. Of course, I say this with out even knowing you, but I guess I'm really just sharing how I generally make my big life decisions. I figure I only have one life and I don't have time to mess around.

    Good luck! I hope you have the best race day!

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  8. Hey there, R.
    Hope you are having a good day and that no one is spitting on you and your "kid" is behaving well.

    Just letting you know I am thinking about your post and you. I am not great at relationship advice, but I would say that there are areas that you can "settle" or negotiate in , and areas you can't. You are worth the ring- and lifetime commitment that comes with it. Much MUCH more I could say here.

    You have really put in everything for a great race. I am so looking forward to how this goes for you - and the cool temps expected should be PERFECT. Counting down now...!

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  9. new to your blog and new to your life, but I'm not new to taper madness....it happens....

    hope you find the answers you are searching for on a nice taper, training run.

    good luck in the marathon and in finding the answers to life. I will say this....."life is short, follow your dreams"

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  10. oh, I forgot to mention...I'm from Mobile, and currently living in South MS and part time- South LA

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  11. Only tapered once and swore I'd never do it again! It sucks. Tapers should come with a warning label 'no big decisions should be made during a taper!' I'm surprised my husband didn't leave me! You deserve all you want from life just wait until the taper madness has cleared and then make the changes you feel you need (if any). We are only here once, regret what you do not what you don't do. Look forward to hearing about the marathon, still have the image of you passing me in the Woodlands like a train (me doing the half you doing the full!) Go get it, whatever 'it' is :)

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